Standard Deviants
by Soylent Gringa
Summary: ..."Drink your coffee, sir."


Title: Standard Deviants

Author: Soylent Gringa

Rating: Some bad words, so 13+

Summary: "Drink your coffee, sir."

Spoilers: None, really, other than current ranks

Archive: sure, just tell me where it is.

Disclaimer: Not mine

A/N: Started as a response to a recent fic challenge, but morphed into something else. Has not been beta read, so all mistakes are mine.

The challenge: Jack super freaks when daniel (who's gay or bi :p) makes a pass at him. so, to compensate for this scary turn of events, jack goes to sam to screw her brains out. she accepts, and drops the bbb (boring in bed boyfriend).

Standard Deviants 

The wind rushed through her hair as she accelerated, banking the Indian through the turn, and the arms around her waist tightened, then released when the road straightened out again. She was about to speed up again when her passenger began knocking on her motorcycle helmet.

Again and again and again.

"Whafuck?" she murmured sleepily, then realized she was awake and the knocking hadn't stopped.

She sighed heavily, then threw the covers back. She tugged on a sweatshirt and scrubbed a hand through her hair as she opened the front door.

"Sir?"

Her commanding officer stood on her porch, looking as weirded out as she'd ever seen him.

"God, sir, what's happened?" She took his hand and pulled. He stumbled into the house without any word of explanation. A chill ran down her spine. General O'Neill had traveled the universe. On a daily basis, he interacted with aliens in various forms—humanoid, plant, glowing ball of energy. Hell, he regularly mocked Ba'al, who had tortured and killed him. What could possibly have shaken him so profoundly?

"I'll make some coffee," she said, then headed toward her kitchen. Her hands trembled as she set the water to boil. She took a deep breath and forced herself to focus on the process of measuring the coffee into the French press, of pulling the mugs from their place on the shelf.

When she walked back into her living room, the general was sitting exactly as she'd left him—back straight, head bowed, hands resting on his thighs. She sat on the far end of the sofa and slid his mug across the coffee table.

"General?" she said after he made no move to pick it up.

"Carter." He said it like a mantra. Left unsaid was "I know you can fix this."

"Yes, sir." She wasn't sure what to do next. She'd never seen the general this way. Scared, yes. Angry, definitely. Prepared to die? More than once. But not like this. When he shut down, he did so belligerently.

Finally the general moved. With the index finger of his right hand, he shoved the handle of the mug and turned it so he could read the writing. _The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts._

Didn't even crack a smile. Damn. "Sir, has something happened?"

He nodded, still staring at the mug.

"Sir—General—please." She rubbed her palms on the fabric of her pajama bottoms. "You're starting to scare me."

He turned to face her, wearing a familiar expression of stunned disbelief. "He kissed me."

Sam blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Daniel. He...kissed me." The general leaned back and rubbed his eyes.

"Kissed you." She sucked in a breath. "Is there any chance you misunderstood—"

"Carter!" He moved his hand and frowned at her. "I do know when someone's hitting on me."

"Of course, sir." They glanced at each other, then quickly looked away. "Did he say..." She fluttered one hand before dropping it back to her lap.

"That he wanted me."

Her eyebrows shot up. "That's direct."

"Ya think?"

"Are you sure? That just doesn't sound like Daniel."

"Oh, it was Daniel, all right."

Sam nodded, trying to find a way to phrase her next question.

"I didn't hurt him, if that's what you're thinking."

"Sir?"

"I just—I left. Took a big step back and left."

"And you came...here."

He nodded, then took a sip of his coffee. "Yup."

"Well...did he say anything else? Explain why he—"

"Jumped me?"

Sam grimaced. "Yeah. That."

"Nope. Just said he was tired of hiding how he felt."

"Huh. That seems a bit...odd."

"Yeah."

Both officers lapsed into silence, sipping their coffee. "Want more?" Sam raised her empty mug as she stood up.

"Sure," the general said absently.

Once she had refilled both mugs, Sam settled back onto the sofa. "So now what?"

"I came here to sleep with you."

"Excuse me?" This time the question was tinged with outrage. "You what?"

"I came here to sleep with you. It was...like a compulsion. That's all I could think about." He stared into his coffee.

"Sleeping with me."

He nodded.

"After Daniel tried to seduce you."

He nodded again.

"Well, sir, I'm not entirely sure what to say to that."

"I don't want to now."

Sam's lips compressed into a narrow line.

"That's not what I meant." For the first time since he'd arrived, the general became animated. "It's not that I don't want to, but I don't feel like I have to anymore."

She crossed her arms across her chest.

"Aw, crap. Come on, Carter, this isn't about me being homophobic and you know it."

She sighed and visibly pushed down her anger. "Yes, sir."

"I couldn't help myself. I had to see you. I needed to—"

"Understood, sir," she said hurriedly. "But when you got here you weren't...you didn't..."

"Like I said, it just kind of...went away."

"Went away."

"Yes, Carter, went away."

Her forehead wrinkled and she went into classic Carter thought mode. "And it started after Daniel kissed you?"

"That's right."

"How soon after?"

"Couple minutes, maybe. I don't know." He tugged at a loose string in the upholstery of the sofa. "Please tell me you've thought of an explanation for all of this."

"Well, actually, sir..."

He leaned forward and turned to look at her. "Go on."

"You said you felt a compulsion." When he nodded, she said, "Well, we have encountered something similar in the past. Was it like anything like when Urgo—"

"Yes! Exactly!" He stood up. "You don't think—"

"No, sir, scans showed those chips were definitely removed."

"Oh. Right." He frowned. "So what..."

"What's causing this?" The general nodded. "I have no idea, sir. It could be any number of things. I do think we need to get back to the SGC so Dr. Brightman can examine you and Daniel."

"Let's go." He moved toward the door.

"Sir?" Sam gestured toward her clothing. "I just need five minutes."

"Of course, Carter. I'll just—" He opened the front door. "I'll be in my truck."

The sun was coming up when they arrived back at Sam's house. They sat in silence for a moment.

"Want to come in for coffee?"

Jack nodded and turned off the ignition.

They maintained their silence as they went inside and made the coffee. Once they had settled on the sofa, Jack spoke.

"He'll be all right?"

"Yes, sir. He'll be fine. The antidote from P5G-DXO will remove all traces of the chemical from his system."

"And mine?"

"Yes, sir. Although I think yours wore off almost instantly. You probably weren't in contact with him long enough for it to have a lasting effect."

"Right." He looked a bit unsettled by that thought. "You're sure he won't remember anything?"

"Pretty sure, yes, sir."

"That's good, at least."

"Yes, sir." She was actually very grateful for that. Bad enough that the general remembered what had happened; Daniel would have pondered it and analyzed it and wanted to talk about it for weeks. As it was, he wanted to return to the planet and find out more about the medicinal planet he'd ingested as part of the "just determining your worthiness" session that had preceded the planned negotiations.

Sam had to admit that she was intrigued as well, but for other reasons. She was eager to figure out the mechanism by which the plant transferred its mind-altering effect from one person to another without being actually ingested by the second person.

"—Carter."

"Sorry, sir. What did you say?"

"I said thank you."

She tilted her head, frowning slightly. "For what?"

"For setting your reactions aside. For recognizing there was a problem and trying to find a solution. I'm sure that wasn't your first instinct."

"Of course it was, sir. You were obviously upset when you arrived. It didn't take much to see there was something wrong."

"Carter. Sam. I'm serious." He put down his coffee, then hesitated slightly before resting his hand on her shoulder and turning her toward him. "Thank you."

She ducked her head. "You're welcome, sir."

"You had every right to throw me out, especially when I said I came over—"

"Water under the bridge, sir."

"You could have brought me up on charges, kicked me in the—"

"I would never do that, sir."

"Of course you wouldn't, Colonel."

Sam rested her head on his shoulder. "Drink your coffee, sir."


End file.
